


Stronger Than We Think

by CherryFlight



Series: SWTOR: The Reflections Legacy [15]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: During A Dream of Empire, Gen, Mind Control Support Group of Two, Prompt Fill, discussion of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23069083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryFlight/pseuds/CherryFlight
Summary: Prompt fill from a Tumblr list, happened to work as a title.Missing one of their number, with the galaxy under Arcann's heel, this strange, unlikely found family must rely on each other to pull through.
Relationships: Male Jedi Knight & Male Imperial Agent
Series: SWTOR: The Reflections Legacy [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1643305
Kudos: 1





	Stronger Than We Think

Manaan’s cool breeze chilled their faces and took their tears with it in little pinpricks of cold. Flow’s breath still held a shudder, in and out. He swallowed, and looked up at Natirru, his face still flushed from crying.

“Thank you. I knew you’d been through something- something like I went through.”

“I didn’t want to assume it was of the same magnitude,” Natirru said, wiping his tears away with the edge of his hand. “Or that it would help.” He smiled down at the Jedi. Former Jedi, he supposed, though the Order itself was scattered anyway. “You’re a little like me, you know. Taking on others’ burdens. I didn’t want to add to yours.”

“No, not at all. That- what you said about how your vision on Voss made you feel…it helped me understand some things, too.”

Natirru nodded. He’d known they’d have that in common. He’d seen a reaction in Flow on Yavin Four, when he sensed Vitiate’s presence, that so closely mirrored the way he’d felt seeing Hunter in the Star Cabal’s hidden station. Watching him, all of those emotions buried under time had been fresh and raw in his heart as the day he felt them.

But, still. Something in him hesitated to directly compare the machinations of the most powerful Sith the galaxy had ever known to mundane chemical alteration, not until he had found Flow contemplating the vast ocean here, and he had asked Natirru to share his story.

“If you hadn’t come up here,” Flow continued, his gaze now on the horizon rather than the water below, “I…” He trailed off, though it seemed the words were still fighting to emerge.

“Flow…were you going to jump?”

“I don’t know. I was thinking about it.” He looked up at him, desperate for more of that connection. Desperate to not feel so alone. Kira was not here with them, and he knew she was the only one who could truly understand every nuance of what he felt. “Natirru, did you - even after you took your mind back, did you ever…”

“Consider suicide?” He swallowed a lump in his throat. Again, he nodded. “Intrusive thoughts, now and then. They started while I was under mind control and- never really stopped, even when their favorite rationalization was gone. The thought of leaving Oberon without me kept me from doing it. I promised him I would help him get out, away from a system that brought him nothing but pain and fear.”

“But you’re out now,” Flow said, his voice strained. “Away from the Empire.”

“And you want to know how I handle it now?”

“It still happens?”

“Not consciously, as such. I think I’ve reduced it to background noise, for the most part. But I still wouldn’t leave him without his father. And you both say Abric didn’t die - I won’t leave him, either, wherever he is.”

Flow nodded slowly, his expression grave, and turned his gaze out again at the horizon. Distracting himself with the far away so the here and now weren't so intense, perhaps. “Oberon would feel it if I died. I can’t put him through that.” A pause, and then, “Can you teach me how to shove all that into the background like you do? It’s like all I feel anymore is pain or emptiness, and I’m afraid I’ll-…forget the rest is there too.”

He put a hand on Flow’s shoulder and squeezed gently. The young man gave a shivering sob. “I can’t call it a conscious process, or say for certain it’s a healthy way to handle it… But I’ll see what I can remember of my mental discipline exercises from my youth.”

“Thank you. Jedi training was supposed to do that too, but-… I’m too weak.”

“Not at all.” He gave him a gentle smile as Flow looked up at him, seeking explanation. “Look at what happened here. Your brain is telling itself you are alone, there is no hope. And you asked me to share an experience you could relate to - you made yourself less alone. You cling to your reasons to stay - you say you feel mostly pain, but you remember your love. And you’re still looking for more ways to fight back.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any stronger.”

“I know. But we’re all a little stronger than we think. Sometimes, we can only see it after it’s seen us through.”


End file.
